Waiting Game

So last tuesday I found out that it's going to be at least another MONTH until I get into day hospital. I don't even get put on the waiting list until I'm out of my readiness group (which ends on tuesday). So I'm extremely anxious about the gap I'm going to have between group and day hospital, I don't want to go backwards you know?

On top of that my school is being difficult. I'm so tired of fighting right now and in addition to my eating disorder I'm in a battle for my education. It's a complicated mess and it almost makes me want to just back out because it's so much trouble. I won't though, I'll find a way to get my education while in treatment, I need to get over my eating disorder... now I just need to believe that a bit more.

Refeeding fun

So I got my butt kicked again in group yesterday. Apparently I wasn't eating as much as I thought I was... I swear I honestly thought I was doing ok. Anyway I've increased my intake (again!) and I feel like I'm slowly dying. Well not really but it is seriously uncomfortable. I'm bloated all the time, I get such bad heartburn and acid reflux and I'm getting pretty intense hot flashes. I don't know what to do....well obviously I need to keep going with the eating part but damn, I forgot how hard refeeding is. I seriously wish I could just get into treatment so I could have more support with this. My boyfriend and family are being AMAZING, but they can't reinvent the treatment setting at home.

I guess I should reconnect with my heating packs and possibly ensure (though I can't say I'm super excited to go down that route again). Time to drink up?

F-word

Tuesday in group the social worker told us that there was a worse f-word than what we typically think of it of... obviously meaning the word "fat". I've been taught many times that it is NOT a feeling but I'm sitting here feeling like I'm the marshmellow man from Ghostbusters. I'm eating more than I'm comfortable with... way more and it's hard to see the results of that. And I don't think I'm imagining it...

Scales are terrible evil things...yet I still step on one every chance I get. I'm freaking out now because my weight keeps going up, and because the scale I use the most is broken I can't be sure of how much and it's driving me CRAZY. I feel like some sort of fraud, and I know I have this stupid double standard for myself (I would NEVER base the severity or ligetimacy of someones eating disorder on their weight but I do for me). I feel like if I go into day program everyone's going to point and laugh because I'm not thin. And that almost makes me want to turn down the offer and hide in my room until I'm thin again. Yes I'm aware that that's my eating disorder talking and not me but it still makes me feel like crap and I'm having so much trouble distiguishing between it and ME. Am I still even in this body, because sometimes I feel like I don't have a voice.

Tonight is not a great night obviously, I can only hope that tomorrow I'll wake up with a bit more strength to take charge of my body again.

Late Nights

So it's after midnight and I'm tired out of my mind...yet I'm still sitting here awake. There are so many thoughts running through my head, I wrote my one exam of the semester today and now I literaly have NOTHING to do. To make a long story shorter (and I will make a more detailed post about my eating disorder later), I'm waiting for treatment at my local hospital. A day program to be more exact. Anyway I quit my job in December because that was around the time they said I'd get in, but that date got pushed into the area of February/March. So here I am with no more classes, no job and I have no real idea of what to DO with myself. I feel so useless right now and just overall fustrated because it's taking so long for me to get treatment. I know I'm lucky that I'm getting treatment in the first place but right now I'm so tired, and so sick and I just want to kick this stupid thing for good.

Anyway that's where my crazed over exhausted thoughts are right now...maybe things will look better in the morning?

Introduction

I guess the best place to start would be with the basics huh? Well I'm an 18 year old girl who's still struggling through highschool. The reason that I'm still IN highschool is simply that, I suffer from mental illness. I have anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. However those terms do not define me. Yes I'm struggling (quite a bit) right now but I refuse to let my ED be my life. In fact let me list some more things about me that have nothing to do with disorders. I love to do artistic things, my favourites are making collages, scrapbooking, kintting and beading. I want to travel all over the world and it's my dream to live in different countries and see as much as possible. The most important thing I want to do with my life is help people.

So there you have it. I guess I'm a not so normal teenage girl but I kind of like it that way:)