Refeeding fun

So I got my butt kicked again in group yesterday. Apparently I wasn't eating as much as I thought I was... I swear I honestly thought I was doing ok. Anyway I've increased my intake (again!) and I feel like I'm slowly dying. Well not really but it is seriously uncomfortable. I'm bloated all the time, I get such bad heartburn and acid reflux and I'm getting pretty intense hot flashes. I don't know what to do....well obviously I need to keep going with the eating part but damn, I forgot how hard refeeding is. I seriously wish I could just get into treatment so I could have more support with this. My boyfriend and family are being AMAZING, but they can't reinvent the treatment setting at home.

I guess I should reconnect with my heating packs and possibly ensure (though I can't say I'm super excited to go down that route again). Time to drink up?

F-word

Tuesday in group the social worker told us that there was a worse f-word than what we typically think of it of... obviously meaning the word "fat". I've been taught many times that it is NOT a feeling but I'm sitting here feeling like I'm the marshmellow man from Ghostbusters. I'm eating more than I'm comfortable with... way more and it's hard to see the results of that. And I don't think I'm imagining it...

Scales are terrible evil things...yet I still step on one every chance I get. I'm freaking out now because my weight keeps going up, and because the scale I use the most is broken I can't be sure of how much and it's driving me CRAZY. I feel like some sort of fraud, and I know I have this stupid double standard for myself (I would NEVER base the severity or ligetimacy of someones eating disorder on their weight but I do for me). I feel like if I go into day program everyone's going to point and laugh because I'm not thin. And that almost makes me want to turn down the offer and hide in my room until I'm thin again. Yes I'm aware that that's my eating disorder talking and not me but it still makes me feel like crap and I'm having so much trouble distiguishing between it and ME. Am I still even in this body, because sometimes I feel like I don't have a voice.

Tonight is not a great night obviously, I can only hope that tomorrow I'll wake up with a bit more strength to take charge of my body again.